27th October 2014: Dear Jennifer...

I still struggle alot with your death in my life infact It's a daily struggle, which caused me to have severe severe anxiety. Everyday I miss you and a long time ago I was told to be creative and get my feelings out somehow. So here I am doing just that. I want to write a letter to you, so here goes..

Ever since I lost you, I lost me too. I've never been the same girl, that was always happy and smiling and so full of life. The day you left this world, my life changed forever. When I got a random knock on the door one day from one of our closest friends (my ex lover) I never expected to hear him say the words 'Jennifer died' at the time it was said, I didn't process what I was being told. I just stood there saying it's such a shame and you will be missed. We talked about memories with you for a bit then he offered me a shoulder to cry on but I said I was fine..because the shock was yet to hit me. When he left I shut the front door and I just remember looking in the mirror and slowly sliding my back down the door..I started panicking, I couldn't breathe right, I kept repeating in my head 'Jennifer is dead' 'Never coming back' I suddenly broke down and started crying hysterically. I heard my mum asking me what was wrong. I couldn't move or speak..I was in a state of shock. My body was there but my mind was not. My mum picked me off the floor and sat me in the living room and I told her what happened. I just blurted out, you were dead. I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't breathe properly, my heart was pounding. I was shaking, I didn't know what to do. My world was torn apart, I didn't understand anything. One day we were talking and the next..you were gone. It took me so many months maybe even a year to understand that you were gone, this wasn't a sick joke, it's real. I would wait by my phone incase you might of text me or phoned me, but you never did. I would hide in my room everyday for hours, I'd refuse to come out, I sat in darkness listening to sad songs about death. I cried so much until I could't breathe. I refused to eat and I wouldn't go out. Eventually I had to go back to college for the first time since you passed. It was awful, my friends were supportive but it didn't make it easier, it made it even more real. I saw the places inside college we used to talk and where we met, and thought about our first convos, and how you introduced me to someone special and I couldn't handle my emotions. Our lecturer was so lovely, she pulled me into class on a break one day and sat me down and gave me stuff of yours. She gave me a really pretty picture of you, and showed me your funeral cards and things like that. I felt a lump in my throat..I couldn't help it I just wanted to break down. She told she was at your funeral, you had a lovely send off. Nobody gave me any details about your funeral, otherwise I would of went. It broke me more knowing I never got to say goodbye, I didn't know your family, which made it worse. You were the first friend I ever lost, I was only 18 when you died. For so long I blamed myself because I still couldn't understand what happened why this happened, how it could of been prevented. For such a long time, I shut the world out. I was scared to let anyone else in incase I lost them too. I'm so sorry we argued a few weeks before you passed away..I still think of it and I regret it. I said some really hurtful things out of jealously and looking back I had nothing to be jealous of, you weren't trying to hurt me, you just came to me as a friend and I threw it back in your face. I'm so sorry! But I wish you were here so I could tell you just how much I regret being with that guy, I want to tell you how it used to be, what happened, the arguments the tears the break ups, everything. I wanted to hug you and tell you how you would be so much better off without him because he wasn't the guy we thought he was. I can hear you now screaming at him from heaven, you always said you would tell him off if he ever hurt me. I'm sorry I didn't understand your feelings at the time, I was wrapped up in myself because the guy I once loved left me broke my heart into a million pieces and he never fixed it. I was scared that he would leave me and go running to you. I know we made up and apologized but honestly I was still so hurt and angry that I never fully got over the argument, I couldn't stop being angry at you, until the day you died. Jennifer you and me didn't know each other long, only a year, but you still came so close to my heart and you were so special in my life and you gave the best hugs and always cheered me up when I was down. I wish we had those meet up's for coffee and mcdonalds and shopping, like we always talked about, I'm sorry it didn't happen because of time and money etc. I really wish we did hang out, It would of been amazing. Thank you so much for coming into my life when you did, even though your gone, you live on in my heart and memories, your everywhere that I go. I still have a heart attack when I see people on the street who look like you, or have your kinda hair, I freeze and apart of me wants to chase after them still thinking it's you, when I know it's impossible now. I used to imagine your voice in my head to help me sleep, you would always tell me you would be here for me and everything was going to be okay. I'd close my eyes and imagine you hugging me tight, saying you wouldn't let anyone hurt me. I heard you say you loved me, and you care for me so much. It hurts me so much even now as I type this, knowing your gone, I'm getting flashbacks to everything we had, and it hurts so fucking much because..your not here..I can't hear you laugh, or see you smile, or hold you, or talk to you on the phone for hours and talk random crap until things got serious and we'd cry together. You always made me laugh when you said you would kick peoples ass if they ever hurt me. Thanks for the fun times, the phone calls, the hugs, the talks, the advice, just thank you for existing. I will never forget you, I promise. I talk about you even now to everyone I know. My friends, my family, my boyfriend who didn't even know you, my online friends, my YouTube viewers, everyone, I didn't want you to be forgotten as you meant the entire world to me and you always will. The pain the memories of how distraught I was after your death, never goes away. It haunts me everyday. I have a picture of you hanging on my shelf, I look at it everyday and smile. It's my reminder that I'm a strong person and if you were here you would tell me the same thing. I used to always imagine your funeral, I was told your coffin was white, I imagined it outside on the green grass, lovely blue sky, a huge picture of you smiling on display. Then I'd hear your voice tell me everything will be okay, I could imagine your face through the clouds in the sky, you were smiling at me, reminding me of how strong I am. October 2016 (next month) will mark 2 years since you have been gone, it doesn't feel like it at all. I still wish it wasn't true but I'm happy your no longer suffering. You always said you had heart problems but I never once thought, shit..your heart would stop and I'd never see you again. I will treasure you in my heart forever, R.I.P my darling angel, I love you Jen.

Life is too short, hold your loved ones close and tell them you love them, never miss the chance as you never know if it'll be the last.