How I coped with loosing my friend to ||DEATH||

After a while of finally accepting Jennifer was gone, my anxiety still got so much worse. I was changing as a person, my thoughts got so dark and I became so terrified I was next to die. I was in a dark place for such a long time. I didn't notice the changes but my friends and family did. I became so terrified of loosing all my loved ones, and imagining and questioning how and why and when it would happen. I was and still am so terrified to live my life. On the bus to college in the morning, I would shove my earphones in and play a sad playlist of songs on my phone. I would blast the music and stare out the window searching for Jennifer in the clouds. I'd imagine seeing her looking back at me, smiling and waving, saying Hi. Loosing Jennifer seriously changed my life and I never fully got over her death. My family went through hell with me, it broke their hearts seeing me become so lost and scared and dark, I was trapped in a dark place and I couldn't escape the dark thoughts that haunted me. I would cry everyday on the bus to college, I couldn't concentrate on anything, anytime I thought of Jennifer or heard her name somewhere I would break down, It was like a sharp pain went through my heart and it started breaking all over again. I've never took anything so hard before, like I did with Jennifer's death. I felt so alone, even though my friends surrounded me with comfort and support, I still felt like I wasn't me without Jennifer. I couldn't go on and be happy knowing her family just lost a daughter, I couldn't imagine the pain they must be going through. I just couldn't be okay, no matter how hard I tried. As time has passed on, It's almost 2 years now since I lost such an amazing best friend but I'm coping now. I got myself back to normal health, I broke out of the dark place I was in, I started seeing my friends again, I started enjoying college. I was eating and I wasn't as depressed. I was finally becoming happier in time, the hole in my heart was healing. Finally. Now I can talk about Jennifer till I'm blue in the face, I can share memories and laugh at the things we used to talk about. If I didn't have my friends and family by my side through such a difficult time I don't know what would of happened to me. I still have bad days where I think of her alot and I can't help but cry as I miss her. I know now It wasn't my fault, Jennifer had a bad heart all her life and one day it just decided to give in on her..it's really sad as she was only 21. But she's in a much better place now, the pain never truly goes away but it doesn't hurt anywhere near as much as it did at the start. I'm happy to an extent but I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. I am on a waiting list for a support group, but everyday I feel my anxiety getting worse and despite loosing Jennifer I lost a few others too, alot has happened in my life, I look happy but I'm one of the strongest people out of my own opinion. I coped eventually because I had loved ones to help me through it but I know not everyone is as lucky to have that kind of support. Also everyone deals with grief in different ways and stages, nobody's story's ever the same.There was a time period I wanted to die and just be with Jennifer, but I know she would want me to live my life being happy enjoy it and just be me. I know she'll always be with me, and I send my condolences if anyone else has lost a loved one or someone close to them, I understand how much it hurts, and so I want you to know I'm here if you would like to talk about it. Stay Strong.

-Lou Out Xo