R.I.P GRAN: Letter To You...

"here comes the start of every sleepless night, the start of every tear that I'm gonna cry, here's me wishing things would never change, but here comes goodbye."

Lyrics from the song "Here comes goodbye" By Rascal Flatts, I think it relates so I wanted to add it in.

I remember just how much I sobbed when I wrote this on holiday a month ago.. :(

Dear Gran..

I lost you in January this year, everyday is still a struggle of serious emotions. I miss you so damn much, my life just isn't the same without you. I miss you most when I'm sad or I'm crying or if I'm arguing with someone I love. I miss when I cried or had a fight with someone and I could just phone you up and you would tell me I could stay the night at yours. I'd get there and you would tell me to come over to you, and you would say"come here to granny" and I'd run into your arms and you would wipe away my tears, and calm me down. You always had words of wisdom, you taught to never let people walk all over me in life, and to always be honest. I miss you when I have a good day because I want to run into your arms and tell you all about it. I always had some sort of story to tell you hehe, you were such a good listener.When I cried you'd rub my back, and somehow fix all my problems. You'd pat me on the head and say big girls don't cry as you wiped away my tears. You did everything to make me crack a smile. I know we didn't always get along sometimes we argued over stupid things, I'm sorry if I could take those times away I would in a heart beat. I would do ANYTHING to spend just 1 more day with you. You made everything better. Now your gone, who's going to make me feel better? Nobody comforted me in the same way you did. You pop into my head everyday no matter what I'm doing. Lately you've been in my dreams, hugging me. Anytime I think or talk about you, I could just cry but I know it won't bring you back, nothing will. Everyday I wake up and it's like I'm loosing you all over again. I wake up from these dreams and just forget your gone..and I think of calling you or going down to see you or ask how you are and then it fucking hits me. Your not here anymore, I'm alone, with these thoughts. I don't know what to do or how to deal with this, It's a heartache I can't shake off. I've been as strong as I can be but alot of time when I'm alone in my room, I break down, I just want you here with me, I'm sick of being strong, it still doesn't feel like your not here. I HATE THIS!!! :'( come back... :( I miss hearing you laugh or shout at the soaps on TV. I miss your beautiful cat grin of a smile. I really really miss watching hollyoaks with you, that was our thing, we had a close bond over that ever since I was little. We always complained when it was really good and the episode ended, or it didn't go out the way we wanted it too. We cried we laughed and sometimes we even screamed watching that show, I still watch it now but It's not the same without you. I hope your having a blast in heaven and I'm sure one day I'll join you again. I bet your glad your getting peace and quiet from me up there huh haha. You were the most amazing gran I ever had and I won't forget you, you treated everyone equally. You were nice to everyone, my friends loved you and I know they miss you too. I'll always remember your laughter and your crazy stories, I'll never forget our weekend sleepovers every week. I'm sorry as I grew older I grew out of staying. I never thought I'd say this but I miss you arguing with the TV or even me. I'll miss you swearing your head off when you hit your little toes off the furniture. It's the little things I miss most. You were amazing,wonderful,strong,beautiful,kind hearted,unforgettable,intelligent,loving,caring,big hearted, women. Anyone who knew you was so lucky to have you in their life. I'll keep you in my heart wherever I go. When I'm sad, I imagine you with me at my side, telling me to go calm down,breathe or you would get me tissues to wipe away my tears. You'd make me feel better without a fail. You always told me I'd have my granny and you'd kick their asses if anyone did me wrong. You lit up my whole world, I'm so sorry I took you for granted when I was younger. I know how much you loved seeing your grand daughter smile. I'll forever be thankful for all that you did for me. Even helping me save up to dye my hair. You made me a strong person and I love you for that. Talk soon, love and miss you, love from KID. :)

this broke my heart, that's all I can say, also a few months later I lost my auntie (my grans sister) so I'm now grieving for both of them this year. Honestly can't wait till 2016 is over, been the worst year of my life so far. Nothing will ever be the same, I won't be the same.

-Lou Out Xo