My Letter: Dear Ex Lover...

It's been almost a year already since we broke up, I can't believe it's been this long already, still feels like yesterday our lives changed forever. I want to imagine your reading this letter right now and pretend your the loving caring guy I always thought you were. I need to tell you how I feel inside and what goes through my my mind everyday. I told you this so many times and I still mean it to this day, apart of me will always love you, I don't know why because you don't deserve it and I have every right to hate you but I never could, trust me when I say I tried so hard to get you out my my head,my heart,the places we went too,the things you used to say. EVERYTHING. All of it, I will always remember, these things never went away. Maybe it's because you were my first love..and you broke my heart. You broke my heart and you broke me as a person for so long, I was emotionally drained I lost myself as a person, everyone around me saw how much I changed and how I was becoming like you, your habits soon became my habits and that wasn't healthy. I want to talk about the break up, I won't apologize for hurting you when I broke things off, because you had been breaking me for years emotionally. I was so in love with you I was blind to what you really were, when everyone was against you I did everything in my power to prove them all wrong, I was determined to show them your a good guy, and what we had was real and magical. I didn't want to believe you could do me any wrong, everytime you lied to me..you couldn't even argue with me, all you'd ever say was 'sorry baby' and when I asked you why you lied you'd never give me an answer, you always said you didn't know. When you back stabbed me over and over again I forgave you. When you cheated on me, I forgave you. Why? because each time you messed up you told me you were sorry and that you loved me and you always wanted me to forgive you, I was blinded by what I thought was love. I couldn't see what you were doing was wrong. I believed you truly loved me the way I loved you. Everytime you came to me for advice, we poured our hearts out to each other. We had so many long talks about things, I always told you to stay positive, I promised to be always be there when you needed me. But you never kept your promise, to love me to protect me, to fight for me, to tell me everything was gonna be okay when the world was dark, cold, and lonely. I picked you up everytime you were sad. I was there for you when your friends weren't acting like your friends, when they hurt you. I held your hand and told you it would be okay when your gran died. Everytime you and your dad had an argument no matter how big or small, I was there for you! and in your darkest years when a few of your friends died..I held you so tight in my arms I know you felt safe and happy, I made you smile again. When you lied to me about smoking and drugs I always believed every word you said to me, no matter how much you hurt me or gave me a reason to leave you, I couldn't see it, I didn't want too, I didn't care how much you fucked up or fucked me up because I actually fell so deep in love with you and I thought we were going to last forever. Too young teens, who were so in love they would fight the world if it meant we could stay together. Through all the tears, the arguments, the shouting, the smiles, the good & bad memories, through the pain and the heartbreak, through the grievings, the break up's and the make up's, I was there with you through it all I always said you'd have me and you'd never go through things alone, we'd fight the world together because that's what you do when you love someone, you fight your way through no matter how hard things get, you find a way to move on and be happy, you never give up on the one you love especially when they need you the most. You never knew what it was like to be in a real relationship until you got with me. You didn't see you did me wrong, you took a very wrong path in life and you let yourself go, but what you didn't realize was you were slowly loosing me every single day. Everytime you knocked me down and gave me a reason to leave, I stayed and I fought for you till the very end..until I was so broken and numb and emotionally drained, I couldn't keep living this way, I was going through hard times too, and family stuff but you were never there for me to tell you these things, you couldn't be there for me, but you always expected me to pick you up when you were down. I lost count of the amount of times I stayed up till 3/4am every night talking you out suicide, giving you everything to fight for, I won't forget the times in the middle of the night you would message me telling me you can't think straight that your loosing your mind, you need to go, and you didn't know where you'd go, you said you'd talk to me later or you would just tell me your leaving in the middle of the night telling me you love me and I wouldn't hear from you till the next day or a few days later. You drove me out my mind with worry, I cried everytime you told me you wanted to kill yourself , or when you said you got yourself in trouble with bad guys and you couldn't give me any details but you said you could be moving the next day. You didn't care what you put me through, because everytime you came back there I was sitting at my computer waiting for you to message me telling me your okay. I stayed up late so many times, just waiting for you to come online, once I waited like 3 maybe 4 weeks for you to come online and talk to me, but you just didn't care about me to let me know you were at least safe. Sometimes I'd get messages from your friends asking me if I'd seen you because you went missing. You'd just leave every so often and not tell anyone and we wouldn't hear from you in weeks and when you came back you wouldn't tell me any details or what trouble your in. You once told me people were after you and they could come after me too. I always protected you but honestly your job was to protect me and you never did. Everything my friends and family told me about you were true, everytime you lied I'd find out from your friends. If I was at your house and it was raining outside you wouldn't even walk me to the fucking bus stop which was just round the corner, you made me go on my own, you'd hug and kiss me then go into your house and shut the door. That's not what a lover is meant to do. Anyway the past is the past but you put me through so much, we have a history that won't change, we did go through alot together I'll never forget. The reason I walked away from you that day was because I had been fighting for you for us for so many years that I just didn't have the energy or the strength to hold on anymore, I was tired of fighting for someone who didn't give a shit about me, you were too stupid to realize what we had was real, you'll probably never realize you lost a good girl who gave you everything and got nothing in return but who chose to stay with you still hoping that a piece of you loved me back the same way I loved you. But as time went on, you and me we barley talked anymore, you ignored me, we didn't text, you never called, we'd never meet up, you were barely ever at college anymore, everything we had was dead a long time ago but I just didn't want to let the man I loved go. It broke every shattered every single piece of my heart, it broke everything I had left inside of me to build up the courage and finally say goodbye because I deserved better. I walked away because you weren't the same guy I fell in love with, because for a long time I was falling out of love with you, and after I finally realized I no longer loved you..I still stayed with you because I still thought I made you happy and that there was still a chance you might even love me. I still cared about you, and I tried everything to love you again but I just couldn't, everytime you hugged me I just wanted to walk away. The day I broke up with you is a day I'll never forget, I was so fucking scared, I was shaking. I had no confidence in myself to do this. But I knew I had to do what was best for me. The first time in 3 years I put myself first. You knew what that day was about, and even though it took me everything I had in me to walk up to you standing there staring at me, I just wanted the ground to swallow me up so I wouldn't have to face my biggest fear. I was so proud of myself for finally doing it because I knew what I went through and my friends knew what you put me through, especially the 3 friends that was with me on that day to support me. I won't forget the way you reacted when I broke it off, my heart was pounding out my chest, and you stood there and you said to me "so should I take you off facebook then" that one stupid little sentence broke me inside. I was trying my damn hardest not to cry in front you. I still remember when you asked me for one last hug..I smiled and put my arms around your neck, I held on so tight because I knew that was the last time I'd ever get to feel your hugs..and when we pulled out the hug I remember turning round and you were already half way up the street, saying you had to go. I stood as I watched you turn round the corner..I felt so numb, everything was silent, it was just me and my thoughts. I remember thinking this was it, your gone..everything I fought for, the guy I loved for 3 years just walked out my life without a fucking care in the world, like I meant nothing to you! I turned around and started walking towards my friends, I remember walking slowly and just suddenly falling to my knees on the ground, crying and crying, my heart felt so heavy, I could feel it breaking. My best friend was the one who ran to me and picked me up off the ground and just hugged me, I remember saying to her, your gone, never coming back, and you never once looked back, you couldn't run away fast enough. That day plays in my head almost everyday. I know we're both alot better now but I can't help that apart of me is always going to love you, whenever I hear your name, a shock goes through my body as all our memories come back in flashes, everytime I walk into your town I have a feeling a tiny hope I might see you. Sometimes I even still smell your cologne. It still hurts you know, everything we went through. No matter how much time has passed I still hurt. I wonder where it went wrong, I remember the times we were happy. I'm being honest with you, I still really miss you. But not in the way of 'I want you back' because trust me I don't, leaving you was the best damn thing I ever did, I'm happier now, I've found myself again, I'm being treated right in my relationship I'm in now.When I think of you now I miss seeing you alone in the street, I miss hugging you, I miss hearing you laugh, I even miss your smile. I really miss being friends like before. I miss hanging out with you, when your not high. I miss hearing about your day, I miss having a laugh, I really really miss when you opened up to me and told me about what's going on in your life, I miss being able to properly be there for you, I miss making you feel better. I know we're older now and I'm wiser. You haven't changed, your still a dick and that's probably never going to change and that's okay, because your not my boyfriend anymore. Look I don't know what to say apart from I wish things could go back to the way they used to be, when our lives weren't complicated, we were 15 and care free, but now we're 20 and everything has changed. We still talk which I'm thankful for, I'm glad you don't hate me, I still love talking to you because It's more than just a hey, hows you. We can talk for a few hours, and in those moments, My heart feels warm. I do wish you luck in life and I hope someday you find a girl who will love you but I know nobody in this world will love and care for you the way I did. I know you've seen me in the street with my boyfriend, he's been so good to me, he is better than you because he treats me right, he loves me back and he proves he cares for me, when I cry he wipes away my tears, when I'm ill he takes care of me. He proves to me everyday that I'm the girl he wants, me and him have been through serious things this year too, and sometimes he'll say or do something, and it reminds me of you in that moment. I can talk openly about you to him, he's there when I need him the most. But his family make me feel so welcome they make me feel apart of their family, they remember my birthday, they remember our anniversary's, and I'm thankful for that. I hope you find happiness again one day, I don't wish bad things on you, I still hope you get your life sorted out and you get off the drugs like we always talked about, thank you so much for the memories, the good and the bad, and thanks for once upon a time loving me when I couldn't love myself. But please never forget that I'll always love you no matter what, that won't ever change. Also for the record..your my favorite ex.

Sincerely,Your Love Queen.