Dear Ex: Tell me why?

I did everything to keep you in my life in the past, I'm still choosing to let you back into my life now and after all you did you don't deserve a place in my life. Your here again and it feels like your hurting me all over again. You know I still care about you, I'd still run and jump if you clicked your fingers. I broke my own heart loving you, and for as long as I can remember all I wanted, thought about, dreamt about, was talking to you again. I used to lay in bed at night and imagine what our convo's would be like, after all this time. We would be so happy and excited talking to each other, I really wanted to meet face to face again one day. I wanted our friendship back more than anything else in the world. I imagined you hugging me and the world would just stop, like only us existed. I wanted to talk to you about "us" and everything you put me through because those are my emotional scars now, they will never heal and honestly you fucked me up so hard. You ruined me, you broke me to the point of being dead inside, you broke me till there was nothing left of me. You don't even care about any of that though. I was so stupid to think you ever gave a damn about me. Your not the only person who has had shit things happen to them, the world isn't all about you and your problems. When my gran died I just wanted you, I wished you'd tell me it was all gonna be okay and you'd hug me tight and say your here for me. But you never did. I held onto you so tight, for so long and guess what, apart of me just can't let you fucking go but trust me when I say I fucking tried. When we broke up again that was it, I had to make myself breathe again and I couldn't do that with you in my life. I needed to find myself again, I needed to come back to life, I was so drained emotionally and physically and the fact my gran was dying didn't help our situation. I held so much inside that I couldn't have you in my life, but not because I didn't want you I just had no energy for you anymore. I can honestly say walking away from you was the hardest fucking thing I've ever had to do. I fell so deep in love with you that I was blinded by you. I thought I knew you inside and out, I thought you loved me as much as I loved you, I thought you meant it when you said forever, when you promised you weren't like the rest and you wouldn't hurt me, everytime you lied I told myself next time will be different because you promised me you would tell the truth. I stayed with you through family and friend issues, when you wanted to die, when life was hard and you couldn't cope, I held you when your gran died, I gave you so much advice over that time but when my gran died I got nothing from you, not even a sorry to hear that. I think back to that day I broke it off, I remember being in college and how much I panicked over doing it, I thought I was gonna pass out or be sick, I was so nervous. I was terrified. I was told over the time of 3 years I need to leave you and I refused until I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I walked up to you holding back the tears and trying to be brave, you knew I was gonna break up with you, but oh you were such a dick to me that day. It was the hardest thing to do, I put so much thought into this, and you threw it back in my face, you turned the corner without looking back, I fell to the ground in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. Everytime I found out you were smoking again I told myself it's the last time because you promised over and over it would be. You always sounded like you meant it, like you actually wanted to change your life around, you knew you went down the wrong paths and you came to me for help, only to lie to again about the same thing a few weeks later. I always found out you lied and it was never from you. All I ever did was love you, and I just wanted you to care about me, I was your girlfriend for over 2 years for god sake. You lied, you cheated, you were hooked on drugs and begged me for help to stop. You have no idea what you put me through so how come I remember all that and so much more but you can't even give me one simple happy memory to my face about us. I've been meeting up with you recently yeah, because I enjoyed having you back in my life again and I really missed you. I wanted to give the friendship thing another go. I thought maybe this is finally it, you would of grew up a bit. You would of matured. I knew you were still doing drugs, and yeah it hurts because all I ever wanted was to take care of you. For you to be healthy, I was terrified of waking up and hearing you had died. It's still my worst fear because I just know it's gonna happen one day and nobody will be there to comfort me because everyone who loves me hates you because of everything you put me through, but it wasn't just me that went through hell, you put my friends and family through it too by doing it to me. I just want us to be normal, I miss being with you in a relationship sometimes, because I think of you smiling, or us cuddling on the couch, or me being so happy because in my life now I'm not that happy girl anymore, she died a long time ago. I remember staying up late every night just to talk to you. Fuck I miss those moments. But you were a shitty person then and you still are now, I've changed, I've grew up, I've matured. I've been through hell and back this year. I just wanted your support and you couldn't give me that. I told you one of my best friends died and you "forgot" like that's bullshit you don't forget something like that, when are you going to grow up and sort your life out before it's too late. You should know apart of me is always going to love you I don't control that, and yeah I miss you sometimes but I'd never take you back, I don't want you like that. I can't forgive you for everything you did to me. I'm your friend now and your still somehow managing to hurt me. I was so broken, I deleted every single thing you ever said to me or gave me or touched. I still walk by places we kissed or held hands or even where we broke up and everything comes flooding back, sometimes I wish I'd never met you but another part of me can't give you up. Love is fucked up.