Dear: Teenage Me

Dear me.

13-15 year old me

Your a child, your young and bright and happy and full of hope and smiles and you laugh alot. Your in high school and your getting bullied, I know it's hard going to a new school, people are unkind, you don't know where your classes are and your terrified of being late. I'm telling you that you are going to get through it I promise you, don't give up, don't waste your tears on those bullies they aren't worth it, don't let them win, pick yourself up off the ground and smile at them I swear it kills them inside. Don't let people walk all over you, stand up for yourself, you have a voice speak your opinion. You eventually learn your way around the school. I know your too scared too eat at all at break and lunch times and you pass out because of it. I know your classes aren't all fun and laughter. But the good things are you have some friends who make you laugh, your in a happy relationship with someone who treats you well and loves you. The bullying stops but not anytime soon. Ask a member of staff for help, don't follow people from your class around the halls because they are playing games with you, making you late for class, taking you to the wrong places on purpose, and laughing at you behind your back. Just know it's okay and perfectly normal to be scared. You might not understand it fully right now but your still young it's okay. You should enjoy your life because it's not hard even though it seems impossible to be happy trust me it's not anywhere near complicated yet. So just be happy and ignore the ones who hurt you, life is short and you'll learn more about that when your older. School never gets easier, it's miserable but it does get better. You need to eat no matter how scared you are, it's wrong and dangerous to starve yourself like this, your really underweight as it is and you have to eat. Your young so your going to have friends and fall out with them and sometimes you'll make back up with them but some hurt you so bad that they aren't ever apart of your life anymore. I know your sitting there in that room filled with those assholes but don't sit there in silence and let them bully you! pick up your phone and text your mum or dad to come and get you and when you get home tell them what's been going on, tell them they threatened you, tell them how they were in your face screaming at you and laughing about it. Tell them how they made their friends get involved and bully you too. Tell them how they pushed you, threw things at you. Forced you to look them in the eyes. Tell them how they picked up your shoes and threw them at you. Tell them how they just turned on you like that, this is bullying and you should of reported it, and trust me they aren't scary, their a piece of shit. Karma will bite them in the ass. You got your heartbroken at 16 and it was your first heartbreak it completely broke you for a long time, and certain people at school took advantage of that. It hurts. Like hell. Your going to cry alot, have a few breakdowns, go through some other personal things but your going to get through it. You made some regrets with some people but honestly he is creepy and nobody likes him and he is telling you what he told everyone else, don't fall for it, sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. Don't tell him what he wants to hear because your scared, just tell him no and to fuck off. Remember that time in P.E when none of your friends were in the class, and you had to play ping pong. I know you had no choice but to take part, plus your teacher she's an old bitch anyway, and she's hated you since day 1 but don't worry about her, she can't control the bullies because she is one. So your partner, the guy. He planned that with his friends, they encouraged him to do it because none of them were happy that you got put as his partner, so they bullied you for a whole hour. Made a complete full out of you in front of everyone, when he came back and started hitting the ping pong ball and you couldn't catch it the first time, he got mad he yelled and sighed threw a fucking hissy fit. He thought it would be hillarious if he threw the ball to other tables, off the walls, at you, off the ceiling, under tables, and made you go around the room chasing it. He felt like a right king, all his friends watching laughing cheering him on. But let me tell you that he will never change I still see him today and he's a fucking twat!! he's still a bully, he hasn't changed his life around, he still walks about like he owns the place and always has a smirk on his stupid face. He tries to lower you still, just like he's doing now, but just remember your better and stronger than he is, your a good person. You don't deserve this, and one day he will get what comes to him. People like him always do. You'll laugh at him in a few years, to see where your life is and where he works. He's no better than you or anyone. He's a complete tool who never grew up. He's nothing to be afraid of trust me on that. Some teachers are being really cruel to you, speak up and report it, tell someone. They should be fired for refusing to help you when they specialize in learning difficulties, don't buy their bullshit when they say they didn't know you had learning difficulties because they do, otherwise you wouldn't be assigned to them in your classes for them to sit with you and explain and help you read and write. Cooking is hard your really struggling, I'm sorry that never ever gets easier, you struggle with it too when you go off to college, it's apart of your learning difficulties that you can't keep simple instructions in your head, your slower than the others and you need people who understand that who can help you instead of shouting at you in front of the whole class. That girl who came up to you in the school playground and shouted her mouth off, putting you down, cornering you. Telling you that it's wrong for you to get extra help because you don't need it, they do even though he can manage everything on their own, they just want to make you miserable. They steal your helpers in class so your sitting alone, terrified to ask for help. They are all worthless and had no right telling you those things. You are special in your own ways and they wish they were as amazing as you are, but you do grow up and help people so really your winning at life. So you fall sometimes in school, in the hall, upstairs,downstairs, it's normal people shouldn't laugh because they do it too, so what's to point and laugh at? Don't pay attention to them. Your in alot of physical pain with growing and your body changing, your first TOTM was hell but who cares because it's part of life and everyone's basically the same, you get used to them. You get acney and that's okay. Your pets die and you grieve but you have people around you for support. When you report your bullying after many years nobody really helps, they make it worse. But you have your parents fighting your corner supporting you going through hell to try and make school easier. I know your scared and tired and you don't know what to do, there's no answers as to why you get bullied, people just don't like you and that's okay too because life would be boring if everyone liked you, laugh at your haters because they'll probably be in jail somewhere by the time their 18. Life seems impossible but you do overcome it. You do leave the school bus behind forever, you can't get on another one because of all the bullying so you get to school in other better ways. Mostly at high school your alone, I mean you have friends but everything's a mess. Even later on in life your still scared to pass a school bus, it took you alot of years to build up the courage to get on a regular bus, it took you frickin years Lou but guess what, you did it! you overcame a fear, but sadly you have emotional scars that stay with you forever.You go through alot with braces, you hurt alot, but it gets easier and you learn to love them. You have your first kiss at 15/16 and it was really special. You do get an operation due to braces and they did alot in those 4 hours and your in agony but eventually you got home later that night. We find out why your in pain all the time, and why you walk funny, we regret not picking up on it sooner but you have a curved spine, it's called scoliosis. It can be managed for you but not fixed, it causes you so much pain and sometimes it brings you to tears and you can't even stand. You go through hell with it but the pain is a daily thing it doesn't go away or get easier, you have to live with it and you do learn to accept it but it takes a while and it brings you down alot. It's sad everyone telling you they wish they could take away your pain, but sadly your the one living in constant agony and there's not a damn thing anybody can do for you. You grow up learning about it and accepting it's okay to be different. You don't know it just yet but your suffering from major social anxiety and it's affecting your life, which is why you can't eat or talk to anyone and your scared of everything and everyone and your too scared to ask for help and say no and stand up for yourself. Hold your head up high and remember you are strong, you will get through this life is tough but it will not knock you down. High school for you never gets better ever. But when you finally leave your free and your free of the people who brought you down.

16-17 year old me

Again more bullying but this time your at college doing your first 2 years. Your eager and excited but still really quiet and shy. Very antisocial. You start your first course and your in a different relationship now, but your still going through a tough time with your first heartbreak. You got into a relationship pretty fast, it was never right from the start, he didn't treat you right and he hid you away, that's wrong. He made alot of wrong choices with you and he didn't deserve you, you think your happy but your not. Your heart is somewhere else. He broke up with you online, that was wrong, you stay friends your never close. You make some friends for life. You meet a guy..and it's a roller coaster ride...you also meet a nice young girl who's only a few years older, she becomes your first college best friend, you get super close. You get bullied, have stupid fights with friends. You do and say things you later regret. Your still so full of life and very bright eyed though, your loving life and you love your existence on earth.You learn not everyone is who you think they are, people don't like you in this course and that's their problem not yours. You meet some cool people who are with you for life though, who are they for you when you cry, you can trust them I swear. They're your family today. Your gran gets ill..but remember how much she loves and adores and spoils you till the very end. Remember her happy smile when you walked in the room. Remember her laugh when you are sad. Hold her hand and tell her you love her. Tell her to be strong. You guys go through so much together in what is yet to come okay? in this course you meet your best friend today, but you don't like her at first, she's louder than you, but once you get to know her you'll love her I promise. She's bitter but love able just like you. You guys become super close, have sleepovers, meet the family, go out and do things, and soon you guys are a family. You don't have sisters but to each other you are the sister you always wanted. You guys go through alot together but you always come out the other end, she's your rock, okay? Love her with all your soul, hug her tight until she can't breathe, laugh as much as you can with her, she's around for a lifetime, sometimes she's annoying but you love her anyway, like any other friendships you have ups and downs but no matter what your always there for each other in a time of need. You wouldn't be who you are today without that girl. She's very special. Never let her go. You make some new friends, and remember the guy you met..well he becomes your college love. Your in the same course, have all the same classes, you get to know each other, build a friendship, you guys never shut up about each other, your both 16, and have alot in common, you met the year before this course. You will talk non stop for months, you talk all the way from good morning to goodnight, you talk at college and as soon as you get home, you call you text and you facebook each other. Soon your inseparable, you end up really falling for this guy..he becomes your first love, and you love him like you've never loved before. At this age you go through alot, it's not always happy smiles and hugs, you fight..ALOT..your so young you still believe everything, you can't see the bad in people at all. He lies to you about alot of shit, he hides things from you behind your back, he tells you he loves you it's all lies, an act. You think he cares about you and wants to help you but he's not that guy you wish he was. You find out about the lies from friends, when you need him the most he's not there, and when you come to him he tells you more bullshit. He feeds you all these lies and all these stories, he tells you he can't live without you and your his everything but when you ask a simple question, why do you love me, or want me, he can't answer them, he says he doesn't know he just does. He really badly hurts you Lou, emotionally. Listen to everyone telling you he's not right for you, he's bad, because everything they say is true. Your the only one in this relationship, your the only one fighting because he isn't, why? he doesn't care. He just expects you to come crawling back. He apologizes but he never knows what for when you ask him, he just doesn't like it when he does wrong and you get mad. He breaks every promise he ever makes you. You go through hell with him for 3 years. He breaks you inside, until you can't do it anymore. All those long nights of talking and arguing, you break up once, but he feeds you more lies and you go running back to him, but one day which is in a long time you do walk away and you don't regret it, you find yourself again. He won't change and you need to accept this and let him go. You will always love him but he's not the guy for you. Trust me. The bullying gets out of hand, they find out your a belieber, they find your youtube channel, you get bullied badly. You get threatned, jammed in a door on purpose, screamed at in class, in the halls, the lectures blame it on you. They made you feel so low, this was your lowest point in your life. You didn't want to be here anymore, you couldn't find strength to go on, you didn't know how. They killed that bright eyed girl with so much hope. They are a pair of stupid girls who again never grow up, they turn against you then try to be your friend, and again stop being scared of them because they are nothing to be afraid of, they are worthless, they won't be anything or do anything in their life, they will throw it away and karma will get them.Don't let them get to you, lift your head up little loulou wipe away those tears, hug your mum and believe her when she tells you that everything will be okay. Keep fighting okay? One day they will get bored. I have some bad news for you..remember your first college best friend..remember when you talked and laughed for hours, you hugged and were there for each other, she made everything better. She made you happy and when you cried she cried with you. She didn't want to loose you..she loved you okay. I'm afraid you are going to loose her soon..you only have a year with her so make every second count,try to avoid that stupid fight you had over that stupid boy. She calls you everyday and checks up on you, don't take her for granted. But you will loose her, she becomes very ill and you will loose yourself, she was put into intensive care and she tried to fight! but there was too much going on and she lost her battle, but remember she was living in pain sometimes too, but she was bright eyed and happy, remember her that way, you will change forever when she dies, you've never lost anyone that close before, this death hits you hard and it is going to break you. She is the reason you have anxiety this bad, you never get over her death, you cry yourself to sleep for months, you stop eating sleeping talking, you lay in bed in darkness crying to sad songs, you hear her voice inside your head saying it's gonna be alright. You will never understand what went wrong but she is gone and she is not coming back it hurts like hell to loose a best friend so young, your only 17 loulou her death will affect you and change you completely, you never go back to the person you were before. You can't accept her death and months go by, your not any better. Your cold and dark and bitter, you see people on the street and you almost run over and hug them until you realize it's not her and you have to walk away. You can't go to the funeral you didn't know her family so no one could give you details. You picture it though, outside on a bright sunny day, white clouds in the sky, a white coffin, you see her in the sky smiling and waving at you telling you that your going to get through this, she loves you. You play her voice in your head over and over again. College was never the same without her. The pain eventually gets easier but it takes 2 years for that to happen so a very long time. You and the guy you love break up again one last time, he just kept lying to you, feeding you the same bullshit. He isn't worth your time, if he loved you the way you loved him he would of fought for you loulou..but he chose not to and he chose other things..he cheats you cry and he explains, over and over the same routine, you can't go back to him again. Alot of time goes by later in the years and you become friends but he hasn't changed. He's still hurting you and he doesn't have a clue. He broke your heart and he broke you until you got told your own family didn't regonise you anymore, they saw how he brought you down.You also survived alot within personal problems which you'll find out later in time but don't worry he is still here today and he helps you through alot.

18-19 year old me

You enjoyed your 18th birthday but your still going through alot with your gran, she's still very poorly. You had your best friend stay the night before so you could wake up to each other on your special day, you guys had a great time and went out to the cinema. Your still grieving alot for your best friend who died but it's a tiny bit easier. Your still with a guy who doesn't care and you won't listen to anyone who talks about him, your setting yourself up for more heartbreak. You meet your online friend for the first time and he becomes like a brother to you, he's a good guy but you do fight like cat and dog, you love each other and no matter what your always there for each other and he gives great hugs and always makes you laugh when you don't want to smile, he's honestly the best brother you could ever have. Never let him go. Okay moving on, your 19. Your in your last year at college and you started a new course which you got so excited about, you cried when they accepted you. You had so many hopes and dreams.. from the very first day shit happened, people were cruel, your anxiety was hitting the roof. You learn alot throughout this year, the course is not what you thought ti was going to be, they also have a bad history of bullying within this course. You loose people you've been close with for years, the people you told your secrets too, the people you put all your trust into. The people who brought you back up when you were down. She was your closet best friend within the last course for 2 years, now your both moving into a third year course together, you talked about being excited that you got to spend it another course with each other. Well. SHE FUCKING LIED! you learn that she isn't who you thought she was, she turns against you, becomes friends with your old bully, they become best friends, your bully stole her off you completely and turned everything and everyone against you. She took away all your friends, your happiness, and the memories you built up over the last 3 years. That bond was gone. Because she got closer with the bullies, she ignored you, her smile was fake around you, she stopped talking to you as much, she'd talk to you about her new friends, your bullies. She pretends to be all so innocent, but she turns on you and it's not a pretty year ahead of you. Your bully, stole her from you, talked shit about you to her, stabbed you in the back. Turned the whole course against you, and you became the loner, you loose everyone, you have to stand on your own too feet. You had to stop talking to them all, your bully turned your best friend into a bully. They threaten you, spread rumors, you have to sit alone in every class or by a lecturer so nobody could hurt you. You become so weak and fragile, you lost everything Lou. Including yourself. They ruined what was supposed to help you with your future goals. They bully you over your youtube channel, they make things up about you. They make you cry, and break down in front of everyone. They laugh about it to each other while they plan what to do next. You have never felt or ever been so alone in your life up until this year. It was like high school all over again, all those memories coming back. They'd whisper about you, they would purposely talk really loud when they are around you so you can hear them bitch about you.You never did or said one thing wrong.There was no arguments before this started. They just turned..when you notice she's ignoring you, one day you decided enough was enough, you'd rather be alone than be around people who don't want you. So you stayed in class while they went out on breaks. When she finally noticed, she tells your bully and that's when the bullying from hell starts, you got bullied by this person years ago, in school and outside school, now she's got everyone against you. The lectures seemed to be on your side at first, then they weren't. You sit alone in every class, 8 hours go by without you looking up or saying a single word to anyone, except your boyfriend the real friends you have left who are in another course. You cry and break down in the halls into the arms of your boyfriend who holds you tight and kisses your lips and says don't worry baby it will be okay. Everything gets really messed up and there's not much positive things that happen. They ruined your dreams for you. They broke you as a person until there was no you left. You would break down at the thought of them, of going to college, of walking into class. Terrified to walk by them or even glance at them. Shaking inside, holding back the tears, just counting down the hours until your free. When you walk out of class they chase after you and threaten you. They spread rumors about you to the lectures. They turned everything against you and they denied everything, one of them paid for what they did but they haven't changed and them paying for what they did made your situation worse. You had to sit in different groups, you couldn't be around each other. Everyone was staring, judging you, hating you. You want to crawl up into a ball and cry. It took you ages to stop crying and walk out the front door to go to college. It was worse if you arrived late. You made one friend who was against everything they did to you, who stood up for you, but then they got a hold of them too and soon that person was against you, bullying you till the end of the course. They became all the best of friends while you were so alone, wishing this wasn't your life. I mean how many times do you have to go through this right? was 11 years of bullying not enough? they made it go up to 13 years of hell. One day you couldn't take it anymore, you couldn't stop the tears, you ran out of class and saw everyone and how they all glared at you and tried to make you a fool, well you run downstairs and out the building, shaking and crying, just wanting a break for all this to stop you did nothing wrong!!! they are the people with the problems not you. She wasn't your best friend if she was she wouldn't turn on you. Bullies get what they deserve one day, stay strong, because you do get through this I promise you that it gets better. When you go silent people get mad because they aren't getting a reaction out of you but when it's class work and your forced to work with your bullies, all you want to do is run, find the nearest exit and escape, but you can't. They speak to you and you can't even look at them. They see what they're doing as a fun game, they see they do no wrong. But you need to just hang in there okay. So your course has finally ended, thank god. You have bigger problems ahead of you, You get an appointment with the doctor and you get diagnosed with anxiety and agoraphobia. You see a counselor every week for months. You loose weight you gain weight, you become more sad and numb inside. You loose your gran at the start of 2016, she fought too long and hard and she didn't want to suffer anymore, she's happier now, you grieve hard for her and you still are. The funeral was the hardest part and looking back on the moments you did smile, you now cry at. You loose your auntie in the summer. You loose a few neighbors, your relationship goes south for a while but you guys made it out. Other people are jerks. You fight alot with loved ones. You cry alot. You loose yourself more everytime you fight to get back up. You let the wrong people back into your life. You loose your first love, your best friend. You grieve again and now your grieving for 4 people at once in the one year. That's alot. Your not happy or bright eyed, your not bubbly anymore. Your not full of life, you don't really feel anything, your numb everywhere. Your cold and bitter, and afraid, and sad. You don't see the light in anything anymore, everywhere you look is filled with darkness. Your a different person now, I can't give you advice on everything because sometimes it's not possible to have a positive outcome. You don't really believe in anything anymore, there's no spark, the lights out. Your just living each day as it goes and there's nothing else to it. The world has completely broken you.